Chapter 13

Real. Raw.

Ever wake up and the feeling of anxiety has already consumed your soul?
Shit. I slept for an extra hour, extra 30 minutes, even an extra 10 minutes and there are so many things that you are behind on.
So many things that need to be done. And the to do list is only growing at this point.
It's only Monday and you are at least 3 days late paying those bills because they didn't get done Friday. You only took the weekend off to have a little family time and now the guilt is creeping up like a bad hangover.

Ya. Me too.

Except it's not only just today, it's every single day. To the point where you find yourself googling something to keep you awake for a month straight that won't kill you -- just so you can feel like everything has been accomplished for once.
P.S. this magic pill doesn't exist. And coffee DOES NOT cut it. And apparently my doctor tells me I already need to cut back on that because coffee in large doses isn't good for you either. I give up.
Except I don't actually give up because I already am drowning enough in my own to do list.
Isn't the only reason you want to be your own boss so you can take time off whenever you want?
HAHAHAHAHAHA, ya good luck.

I truly believe at this point that if you want to own your own business you are one of two things. Filthy rich with no other way to get rid of your money (not me!) or completely out of your mind fucking crazy (ok, this must be me) because honestly there is no other conclusion.

Every morning seems to consist of...
Wake up (anxiety) check emails (sort of) more like glance at all the notifications. Check voicemail and all my missed messages from clients and customers. Gently and as kindly as I can, remind them all I do not live at my studio (sometimes I think it might be easier if I did) and to please, please call my reception desk during regular business hours (anxiety X10,000 because I love and appreciate every single client and customer of mine, but i'm one human trying to do the work of a million little minions).
Try to throw myself together while making calls and answering messages. Arrive at work check-in with employees ask if they have read and answered any of the emails I have ignored already (anxiety) and try to start the day while wondering if I look as exhausted as I feel at this point. It's only 10am. (deep breath and anxiety)

Oh I left out the part where I have to also be a mommy and wife. And oh did I mention that being a crazy person comes with anxiety!

BUT how do I survive if life is so awful right?
Sometimes, only sometimes god graces us with the most magical gift in the world. NO, not good drugs.
Better.
The most amazing, fabulous, best fucking gift in the whole entire damn world is:
A. A DREAM TEAM - a.k.a my team. My girls are my rocks. My employees are gold. Platinum even. They are 100% of the reason I am still breathing today.
B. A ROCK - okay yes I love my husband and he gives me all the support in the world, but his momma has pushed me to be where I am today. Like I brag about her all the time because this lady is a gift from heaven. I mean she gets on my nerves, I get on her nerves, we buy each other Starbucks, like it's the whole damn package.
C. My clients. Gosh i'm blessed. I have the best of the best. Some of my clients know more about me then I do, I swear. They have supported my through the thick and the thin. The relocation, the pregnancy (where I would have to leave and throw up sometimes, ya I was that lucky!) and the slow, shaky return to work a few weeks later.

I think that every story can and will have a happy ending. Sometimes the area where we struggle is "the push". The place where we push ourselves, we push our limits, push our boundaries, push our budget and push our mind to accomplish the unattainable. At least this is what I believe, for now.

Now, if only I could push my ass to the gym the world might almost be perfect!

~ It’s absolutely FUCKING amazing what happens when you just won’t give up ~ *Anonymous*


Older Post Newer Post